yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
