Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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