A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
