if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
