Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
