Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
