do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
