Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize