If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Randomize
