"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
