Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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