The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
