it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
