why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
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