I cannot find my penis.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
