Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
