my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
