the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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