that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
my sisters under your porch take her home
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Why can't burritos get me drunk
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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