turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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