Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
