I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
