guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
