I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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