dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I will pee on everything he values.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
