I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
