Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Everyone says I win the strip club
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
