I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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