Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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