i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Text me some of your sweat
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
