what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
