I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
