Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
