I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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