i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
