Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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