If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
