even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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