I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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