Swine flu. Run for my life!
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
last night I used snow as a chaser
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
