woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
