The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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