Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
