suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
A bitchslap is in order.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
