You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
