Ambien. No doubt about it.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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