In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize
