Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
