The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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