good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
