There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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