The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
