between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Randomize
