Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
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