You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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