Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
