GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
