well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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