The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
