I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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