If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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